My dear friends,
I'm not sure where to start on this one, I was hoping I would not be the one doing this, but as events have decided otherwise, here goes:
As many of you know, I have been hard at work trying to track down just what the heck happened to Kynan, i.e., his disappearance, over a year ago now. I have since discovered most of the story. First, some lovely and frustrating lead-up:
I confided to several of you that I had, after 7 months of being in Oz, placed an ad in their main newspaper The Age, a simple little blurb that read "Desperately seeking Kynan Davies or anyone who knows him (Sister Claire or Rampaging David). Please contact Becky from America at (whatever the voice mail box was)". That was all, and predictably, no response. From there I started tracking down what should have been sure-fire paths to something, some kind of information; I called Scotch College, a well-known boys' school for the affluent. No Kynan Davies. I checked Melbourne Uni, Bundoora RMIT, La Trobe University (as I was told some call those schools Melbourne Uni out of convenience). No Kynan. I recalled Kynan once telling me, over ICQ, that one of his administrators as Melbourne Uni was a man named Crabb, and Kynan had gone to Scotch with his son, Ben. I called and talked to the only Crabb administrator at the Uni, and it became quite obvious that this man was not the same Crabb as his only son was 3 and a half years old (Kynan had described the admin. Crabb as old and blurky). I called Scotch again and their very helpful staff (despite that I was told they would be snooty and not aid me) followed yet another lead for me... however, no Ben Crabb. In fact, the only Crabb they had listed as ever attending the school had died of old age some years before, since he'd graduated on the 1920's or so. Okay. I checked the voting registers for both Victoria and New South Wales, just in case. No Kynan. No Kynan Davies in the entirety of Victoria. I even wrote down all the Claire Davies they had listed, about 5 (and none named Clarinda) and called them. Nothing. I was obviously going above and beyond the call of duty here, but I couldn't, faced with this challenge and enigma, stop there.
I wrote to ozemail begging for their assistance, knowing they couldn't tell me anything anyway, as Kynan had an account with them as his provider. They did acknowledge that an account, in that name, was established and had been cancelled around May or June of 1998, which is when Chelle got her return mail saying the account was closed. That was the only proof, up to then, that Kynan existed.
Wait, there's more.
I gave up the chase for a small time until April called me and mentioned she'd been told Kynan had popped up online four days previous. That slightly angered me and spurred me on once again to find the truth. I remembered something then, a small, most likely hopeless lead that was two years old, but it was the only one which panned out and offered me anything. An ICQ number and handle still in use, thank God. I will mention no names, though this source says admissions of helping were already made to the aforementioned missing person, so most likely I don't have to keep it hush-hush, but it would mean nothing to you anyway and I did give my word. It was then, that night, right after discussing the whole mess with a new friend I'd made, that I learned the truth, to a degree. It's a subject Beyr and I had already covered extensively through phone talks, and it was brought up in the discussion with my new friend... confirmed online. I will let Kynan tell you in his own words (and yes, the misspelling of Davies in his name was on the actual email):
"----Original Message Follows---- From: "Kynan Davis" To: firstname.lastname@example.org Subject: Re: One more try Date: Thu, 03 Feb 2000 14:09:23 GMT
Becky, I'll be as honest as I can. If you'd rather do this over the phone or even in person, I'll accommodate you. My friends are being sweet and protecting me, but you deserve an explanation.
First thing's first. A few awful secrets. I am a girl. I'm also two years younger than I presented myself as "Kynan". Why? Originally, I took on an older, male persona because it meant being taken more seriously: no solicitations from guys to have cyber sex, and never again getting mixed up in a situation like the one I found myself in with stalker and all-around psycho Mora.
I didn't anticipate that I would make close friends role playing, or that I would find myself logging on to the Tavern over and over, consistently maintaining a gender deception. I should have come clean the first moment that I realized that I was betraying real trust. But emotional cowardice quickly turned, "This is not the right time to tell," into, "It's too late to tell," and I blinked, and a year and a half had passed.
I never thought of "Kynan" as a game, more as something horrible that I got stuck with. I mean, I hope--I really do hope--that I never used what I had established for my own gain. I shied away from personal involvement with people, was skittish in the extreme around you at first (god, especially around Serafelle) and absolutely freaked the first time our characters RPed a sex scene.
As for the rest, you probably don't have to ask. I think that by the end it was obvious to everyone how I felt about you. It was obvious to me, too, that what you needed was a friend and not an increasingly starry eyed deceiver. I still couldn't bring myself to be honest, so I disappeared. That's pretty much the whole story.
Anyway, you wrote:
[[I give you a maximum of two weeks from the date you receive this letter to answer me in some way shape or form or I spill what I know to everyone who cares.]]
Snuck in under the wire. :-) Becky, I don't mind if you tell everyone. You deserve their support, and I'd like to think that I'm being honest now for the right reasons, not because you've issued me with an ultimatum.
I am more than sorry.
I have omitted nothing, and I hope Kynan doesn't mind I used the full email. I really had to twist her arm for this and have written her several times after with pleas to uphold her word and meet with me or call me, but so far, nothing. I don't think she'll write me again or show herself in a form we would recognize on-line. The bit about her being in Italy was totally bogus, untrue. I also have reason to believe, but can't say with any certainty, that she was also Madame La Marquise and Sar Flux. This is based on real name association only and that's the ONLY basis I have for the assumption. So Aylic honey, when you talked to Marquise MUN, it could very well have been Kynan herself to whom you spoke. And those of you who saw la Marquise lurking in WBS... well, there you go.
There is a lot I am not mentioning, but I think very little else needs to be said. I waited as long as I could for Kynan to respond once more, as I wanted a fairer representation of things, and it wasn't easy to keep this information from you while I delivered even more ultimatums. Most of you know how I felt about Kynan (at least in part. I tended to downplay my emotions where Kynan was concerned) and can conjecture how much this whole revelation... jarred.... Me, to say the least, but after all the false leads, I was fairly prepared for it, took the brunt of it gracefully I hope, and as we all know, over the net, anything goes. There was always a possibility this could have been with Kynan's refusals to allow anyone to call him or put up a pic, or a myriad of other little things. I chose not to examine the option too closely as I choose to take people at face value, to believe them (to a point) unless given reason otherwise.
However, despite all this, I want each of you to make up your own minds on the entire situation... I know it's a friendly thing to take the side of the one who was perceived to be wronged... I would do it for MY friends... but please don't base any decisions on my emotional discomfort. You were all fooled, (and I didn't reveal all this for support but because I felt all of you deserved the truth, since many of you cared very deeply for Kynan) but I think the reasons weren't malicious. Many of you will be indifferent and shrug it off. Some of you, like myself, will be genuinely disturbed and possibly hurt by this news. Whichever it is, make it your own, because my response, after having some months to chew it over, might surprise you:
I, personally, have forgiven and would welcome her back with open arms. I doubt she'll test that, but there it is. And believe me, I have suffered greater than any of you will know over this whole fiasco. I never wish to go through anything like that ever again and I would not wish it on my worst enemy, or even Bill Clinton. I couldn't put into words how much Kynan's vanishing act destroyed me for a good... oh, year and a half. None of that, however, is neither here nor there. I have presented the facts as I said I would. I was hoping to get Kynan to do it herself, a personal letter I could email to the masses. This is as good as I could get. If you have any questions, I will endeavor to answer them, but my knowledge is limited. If nothing else, now you know the story.
Love, luck and lollipops,
I have prepared the confessional for the others, it has a site, ready to launch. As promised, here is the addy for you to take a look:
I hope I was fair, at least.
Catherine, if that IS your name, I think I should make a small confession myself, seeing as how you did, and I think I alluded to it well enough in the site text... I'd like to /try/ and express what I feel. Bear with me, please.
I know this is going to sound horrible, I've been yo-yoing in my emails, going from pleas, to understanding postures, to threats and back again... basically, I've been trying to figure out what works on you and *laugh* I don't see a set formula happening here. So I will try the truth, the whole, painful, pathetic, shameful truth, or try to since it is very hard for me to put into words much less make anyone else understand and a lot will be rambling, I'm afraid, but...
Kynan. When you took him away from me, my world crumbled. Slowly, of course, I was always hopeful he'd show up again, just one of his infamous and annoying vanishing acts... such was not the case. For weeks I would log onto the computer, lurk for 6 hours or so in the chatrooms and /our/ room, our PR demonlove, and just pathetically WAIT. I wouldn't ICQ with anyone, wouldn't talk with anyone. After about three months or so I would sit at the art board and draw and update the page every now and then to see if a post had magically appeared in the empty room. At night I would leave the computer on, volume at full blast, speakers as close to my head as I could get them and sleep lightly, waking now and then to check and make sure the line was still connected. Of course, nothing ever happened. But I hoped, and if there was even the slightest chance, I would take it. Moronic, I know. Frighteningly pitiful. I know, I know.
After a few months where my moods degenerated (I wrote you many emails about this, if you recall... wrote you almost everyday so you'd be all updated for when you came back)into black, lugrubious, violent beasts which barely passed as healthy human behaviour, I stopped leaving the computer on, started ICQing a bit again, and even attempted playing, but my heart was never in it. Often, I made excuses to leave the RP, usually in tears RL, or close to it. Then I would open the bookmark to the PR and sit there for a bit, reading over old plays of ours and updating the page now and then, ever hoping.
I got downright difficult to be around. I mostly had only Angel to hang with in this time, and she knew that when the answer to her cheerful "Hey bitch, how ya doing?" was a literally growled "I hate everyone", that my mood was a bad one. I was never bad to my boo, of course, or my immediate family and I believe I mentioned that April, too, had become an anchor of sanity... gosh, its been so long I can't remember what I wrote you anymore. I'm sure it was pathetic. This was, of course, quite the change from when Angel would call, hear a very happy Becky on the other line and offer a "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you just got laid". My answer? "Nope! MUCH better than sex, Kynan's online." Angel would change the subject quickly. Heh. She was getting REAL tired of always hearing about you. Or him. Or whatever.
Over the course of time, my personal life also declined... I was stuck with Paul's felony (and still am, BTW), the stress of church taboos, concerning a divorce of such a nature, were weighing quite heavily on me, the communion ban, /everything/... I can't even begin to categorize it all, I don't even KNOW what all was wrong... was really pushing me in ways I have never been pushed. My mind was constantly on Kynan. I DO mean that literally. Dreams, thoughts, memories, ALL THE STINKING TIME... always on Kynan. I was so worried, so grief-stricken, the withdrawals were more serious than I ever thought possible. I'd write letters to myself trying to figure out what the heck was wrong. Rarely am I depressed, usually I am happy, fairly carefree, but for a good year and a half, I was entertaining thoughts, serious ones, of just getting /lost/ in Oz. There was like this cancer inside me, and it would eat me alive. It was something I could feel. Sometimes I would have a good week and while always Kynan-minded, the weird, anguishing pain would abate and I was left questioning my sanity (also literally). I didn't know where to turn. You'd taken away Kynan. I know this sounds ridiculous because, well, it IS, but he was my anchor. As I have said before, I had waited my whole life to find him, That One Person in whom I could confide, could be open with and absolutely honest in a way I had never been before... to whom I could say anything, wanted to bare my soul to, who I trusted to keep my secrets. I still trust you in that, Catherine, I don't think you ran out and screamed to Melbourne what I told you. That you may have mentioned it to friends, I do not doubt and do not mind. But I digress.
This went on for some time. I would pray a lot, but it didn't seem to help. I broke down at work, something hitherto unprecedented. At the Conoco, at Papa Murphy's.... I was worried I was having a nervous breakdown on TOP of losing my sanity. But my friends said if I were having a nervous breakdown I couldn't make the simple choice between candybars without freaking, and since I could still chose Snickers over Mars, I guessed I wasn't having one. So, loss of insanity, instead. I really do attribute the fact I am still here, alive and typing, to my religious beliefs. I can't explain how awful and lost and lonely I felt during that hideous period. It was a true and serious depression and while it wasn't your fault, you DID take away my only vent, Kynan. I know that must sound very sad and stupid to you, to have only one vent, one person like that, but prior to Kynan, I had no one. I couldn't open to anyone the same way. With Kynan, I couldn't be anything but honest, totally honest, and totally open. I liked it. It scared me a lot, but I liked it. I had finally found, I believed, MY soulmate. Oh, I have quite a few who claim me as THEIR soulmate and even perfect mate... even my sister laments the fact I am not only a girl but related. As I know what girls look for in a perfect mate, I am, of course, HIGHLY flattered at being told this... and by more straight girls than any other. But to no one could I return the compliment, to no one could I say "yes, you are my soulmate too". I didn't expect Kynan to say that, of course. Having been on the end where one is claimed but can't return the sentiment, I didn't need to hear it. I was just so gosh-darned happy that /I/ had finally found mine. In Kynan.
I tried to console myself by saying it was better he'd gone... I'd gotten too dependent on him, too open with him, loved him too much. Far better to be as I had been, solitary, allocating pieces of myself to my friends, the parts they could handle, not the whole thing, not all of me, as I was doing with Kynan. Too dangerous that way. But the damage had been done. There was no crush, I never lied about that (In fact, I NEVER lied to you. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I might not have answered directly, but I never lied. Well, okay, once I did and its bothered me ever since. It was the morning you wanted to play the Morning After with Valyn and Anubis. I was playing Tahmas at the time. I asked you if you wanted me to pull Tahmas out so you could play to Lynda. You asked me if I minded, I said No, I had to go to bed anyway. The latter was true, but the lie was the no. I did mind. That's the only time, and it was stupid because I HAD to go to bed, but for some reason, your excitement about playing to Lynda piqued me. Gosh, that was a long time ago. I apologize for lying to you then), it bypassed anything like a crush and landed solidly on love. I didn't know the extent of it, or what exactly it was until you stole Kynan away.
It was bad: whenever I thought of Kynan, I could /feel/ it, in my marrow, this strain-like sensation. I loved him so much it literally hurt. Being in his cyber-presence was a physical /need/. Of course, it went unanswered. I thought it would fade quickly, but you know what? Its STILL there, muted now and uncertain, but its still there when I think of Kynan as I thought him to be, back then. I was madly, truly, DEEPLY in love with Kynan, but oddly, it was not a romantic love. Would have I accepted romance? Quite possibly not... not if there was a chance it would have even remotely ruined the friendship. I understood those hideous, idiotic, mushy love songs. *UGS* I could sympathize, whereas before I could only roll my eyes and yell at the radio to get a backbone, the weak dumb-ass bitch. It was a totally new experience to me, feeling that way. Anything he might have wanted, I would have gotten him... sun, moon, stars, the world. In fact, I already had the plans for it in case he ever asked me for those things, to test me. Oh yes, I know exactly how would I bring the heavens to Kynan and all on a silver platter. I was even going to buy him his own star, through a NASA program where you pay like $45 bucks and you choose a star to name and that name goes down in the annals as the actual REAL name of the star. You got a color photo of the star, too. I KNOW. PATHETIC. I tell ya, when I go all out, I go all OUT. I really haven't heard of anyone being more pathetic than I.
Anyone who knows me, REALLY knows me, knows my art comes second to nothing. For NO one would I stop drawing or writing. I would fight tooth and nail to keep them, turn my back on or battle anyone who tried to make me do otherwise. Just ask Paul. For Kynan, I would have given them up, had he asked. And while I might have looked back and wondered what could have been if I'd kept my art, it wouldn't have mattered, as long as I had Kynan. THAT is the bottom of the barrel of patheticness. I think I just made up a new word there.
But here's the clincher... my love, which was more astounding than anything I could have imagined, which was all the things I never wnated to feel, never thought I could feel, and never want to feel again... was for, I believe, the /right/ reasons. I never saw Kynan, I didn't love him for his looks. I never heard his voice, I didn't love him for a silky tenor. I loved him because he /challenged/ me. He made me want to be better, do better, learn more, just to keep up with him. Do you understand what this means?? Perhaps not. I will be, again, honest here... in my entire life, only TWO people have ever challenged me in a GOOD way... my dad, who is my hero and sits above me, and Kynan, who has been placed on a pedastal and whom I worshipped. I know that, again, this sounds strange, but I have never had anyone not only be able to keep up with me, but /outpace/ me before. I explained my 'equal' views to you, didn't I? How, at first, I see everyone as an equal and they either remain equal, which is rare, or they sit just slightly lower? I know that sounds bad, but don't take it literally... its more a metaphor or at least an illustration. I am kind of Aerik-like in that sense, if you will. I don't see people as /below/ me, just... arg, its hard to explain. You, yes YOU, and my father are the only two to ever challenge me in a good way, a non-threatening way, a way that made me strive and search and even changed the way I think (my mindset is far different now than pre-Kynan), made me able to compass new paths. All of this, what I am telling you, I am convinced other people have felt, just very few are DUMB enough to admit. Not to this extent, anyway.
I'm not done yet.
I am better for having met you. Catherine, no one, outside my parents, has ever been GOOD for me before. I am often good for others (do not mean to sound arrogant there) but have never had another be good for ME in that sense. I say YOU and not Kynan because the power behind the name, the style that was/is so incredible was all YOU. All YOUR ability. That wasn't lie (though I did find most the plaguerised lines you alluded to. Heh), it wasn't you playing Kynan, it was you letting yourself be YOU and writing as you do. I am still in awe over your gifts and your talent and I do not impress easily, especially not to this degree. What impressed me about Kynan, what made me love and need and adore and worship him was in great part simply YOU. Unless someone else was writing your posts. Someone else was challenging me in the most subtle ways and most likely totally unsuspectingly.
Catherine, you know now how I feel and have felt for a very long time. And instead of weakening with time its remained. Those feelings are still there, but subdued in the wake of this confusion, these new lights. I am not hitting on you, not asking for anything, not expecting anything. I simply would like a second chance at your friendship. I'm standing here with my hands full of emotions I can't categorize, or place, or understand... they're just teetering and my arms are getting very tired. Everything is up in the air. Those emotions, all of it, is in limbo, undirected and floating and causing only more confusion and sore shoulders. I am the type who needs closure, I think you've learned that by now, but I also need it in real life, especially with this one. I can't hand these feelings to another, or use them on another. Whether you like it or not, whether /I/ like it or not, these are yours, for you alone. And unless I have some closure, they will always be yours, out there in the ether, unclaimed. When I offer something to someone, it is THEIRS, its not something I take back and give to another. You were my first love, my first true love. I thought I was in love with Paul once. In light of THIS, these feelings, I know now I was wrong. I loved him, was never in love with him, and to me there's a big difference between the two. You were my first heartbreak, too. That's why I never opened to anyone before, I knew this could happen and the more I opened, the more the break. Seemed counter-productive to me so I didn't do it... until you/Kynan, whichever. Both of you. I can't rightly say YOU because only you know how much of yourself went into Kynan. Another reason emotions are up in the air. I don't want to be in love like that again, it hurts too much. Maybe I never will be. No matter what, no matter what happends in my life or yours, you/kynan were my first true love. My first true hurt and nothing will ever change that.
I ask you now to help me label these emotions, because they're huge and heavy and all I've ever wanted to do is give them to someone. I am not asking for /love/. I can at least label them 'friend' or whatever. As long as I have someplace to put them. As I said, I come before you this last time and ask for an answer, that's all. Just one little word. yes or no. Yes, we can be friends again or no, you don't think that'd be wise. I won't ask for explanations, just the answer. You can even just use No. Or better yet, an email with a simple N on it. I will understand and leave it that, closure attained, emotions pushed back into memory of what to never allow to happen again.
We were, if nothing else, an amazing team. when I said I wanted to work on something with you, I meant it. Maybe I am being selfish, maybe stupid... most likely both but I can't just shut all this off. I've carried it around too long. Um... if you say yes, we can be friends, that DOES mean you kinda haffa talk to me again, you know. I hope, instead of ignoring me like this which is becoming insufferable. And yes, I knew that once you'd given me permission to tattle you probably would never write back to me again. Please read this. Please respond. I am a very proud woman, far too proud in any sense of the word.. I don't BEG. Except now. I am begging for a response. I neeeeeed this answered, I need some kind of peace, even if I am unhappy with the result. I have come to terms with what was done. I know I was being selfish, I wasn't even considering how YOU might have been feeling, that, if you were like me and I were stuck in your situation, how /I/ would feel about it. I tried to stick myself in your skin for awhile, and I can see how/why you reacted like you did. You were hurting too, I think.
Catherine, I don't want to lose you again, not after just finding you. You were my best friend. I haven't even told you half of everything I've done for you, and gladly done. Not that I have never gone to extremes for others, I have when I love them enough. I don't mean to scare you with this, but I know that even after all this time, the depth of feeling terrifies me. I just want your friendship back. I want to be able to talk to you again. I still have to be open and honest to you, even now, even after all this. I still want to tell you everything I've been through and all the little things going on... but if i can't have that back again, if you don't want that, don't want to deal with me anymore, I will accept that. I just need to //know// that's what you want. Please tell me.
The next letter is yours. The only time I will write again, without a response on your part, is to let you know when the new Daany/Tash pics are up. And I know I mentioned it to you but did I ever give you the GEMlabs site?
And Catherine, the offer is always open. Be it ten days from now or ten years or decades, you are always welcome to contact me for /any/thing you might need. Unless I get amnesia or Alzheimer's, I am never going to forget you and what you taught me. I will always walk behind you with a hand extended.